Over the weekend we went to Wellesley, MA for a family lifecycle event. Steve's twin second cousins, Drew and Zach were making bar mitzvah. The whole clan came together for the occasion. It was good to see them. The speech made by Beth, the mother of the boys had me in happy tears. There she was watching them become "men" - in the sense of responsible to themselves and she did not know how it happened. I looked down at my three little dark curly heads and lost it. I am not ready for them to be independent big people. I do not know if I ever will be. Yes, it is annoying to have to carry Syd around all day long when she doesn't feel well. I do call her a "Diva". I already look at them and ask, "where are my babies?" They are all toddling - ready for shoes. I am not ready for them to get so big. While I marvel and enjoy every stride they make, after all they were two months premature and were not supposed to be so healthy. Do not get me wrong - I am grateful that they are so healthy, happy and developing at a normal pace. I am just not ready to send them out to explore the world. Yet, I know I have to.
At this same convocation of the Mann Clann, I spent some time speaking with the boys' aunt who has two children of her own - Emma and Izzie - two lovely, loving little girls. Like me, she thought she was going to go back to work as soon as the 3 months were up and then she couldn't bring herself to leave them. We had a long talk about how the two of - well-educated, feminist, professional women who do not know what to do with themselves because they NEED to be available for their babies.
In Liz's case, her girls are in the first and third grades. I have a long way to go till my role changes that much (thank goodness!) but I am still in that track.
I have full time help so leaving them would not be hard on them. It would be heart wrenching for me. While I sometimes toodle on the computer and pretend to ignore them for my own sanity (although I do not accomplish much), there isn't a meal that I do not know what they ate, a complaint that they have that I do not know about and a new accomplishment that I do not share. Just now, this writing was interrupted by Molly biting Gim and Mommie being called into service to kiss the boo-boo. I do not know how I could miss out on this...but that means I miss out on an outside life.
So what is a smart, independent, well-educated, professional woman to do?
I always said tongue-in-cheek that being pregnant and having a baby doesn't take all day. I was wrong. It is a primal, visceral thing that takes over your whole being the moment that those little unfocused eyes look into yours. The instant that little hot body is held next to you - you are done FOREVER. I didn't think it would be that way. I was never a "baby" person but having one or three changes EVERYTHING,
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1 comment:
The never ending debate.
My mother's generation (and countless before hers) were expected to have a family and/or IF they worked outside the home, there were a limited number of acceptable careers: secretary, nurse, teacher (all variations on mothering).
The Feminist 60s and 70s gave women the chance to choose not to have a family and encouraged them to pursue whatever career they
wanted. I think there was even a bit of a backlash against those who didn't pursue a career in favor of family.
I think my generation is the first to realize you can't have it all - simultaneously - and that it's okay to choose whatever is right for you as an individual.
That's the difference.
And (in theory) I suppose I have to support Sarah Palin's CHOICE to leave her 5 children, one of whom has special needs, to run for potentially the highest office in the country even tho she is completely unqualified for it(guess which side I'm on).
But yes, I do think there is a biological, physiological, psychological, magical bond btwn mother and child that can never be fully understood or appreciated until you've gone thru it (I have not). But the most important thing is that the individual's choice is respected as equal to any other's.
~ Elizabeth
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